I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
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