the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
