We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
