Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
