U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
