have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
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