Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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