Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Randomize
