don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
