I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
