she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
