Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Randomize
