Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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