rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
