hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
