just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
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