Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
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