she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
