Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Randomize
