Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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