on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
