Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
