put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
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