we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
