I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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