just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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