PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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