Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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