I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Randomize