Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Randomize
