Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
