mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I'm passing your future prison.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
