I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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