i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
do nipples grow back?
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
