im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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