I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
