I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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