Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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