Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
