I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
