Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
