Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
