her vagina looked like bernie madoff
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
