I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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