I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
i was looking up hair salons in ithaca for the wedding and one is a hair salon/ sake bar! you can have sake or champagne while you get your hair done!
question, how would one sake-bomb while getting hair done without getting a horrible haircut?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
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