I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
