i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
My breasts were aching with rage.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
