Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
