i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
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