I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
