I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize