i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
