Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
she looked like the before picture.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize
