thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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