I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
