Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
