u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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