Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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