If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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