a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
