i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
