I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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